


Chill Out

by tigersharktimes



Series: Oh Snap! [10]
Category: The Killing
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Canon Dialogue, Canon Related, F/M, First Kiss, First Time, Friends to Lovers, POV Female Character, POV Male Character, Post-Season/Series Finale, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-28
Updated: 2019-07-28
Packaged: 2020-07-24 02:01:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20018410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tigersharktimes/pseuds/tigersharktimes
Summary: They catch a glimpse of light.





	Chill Out

**Author's Note:**

> Yay! The final part. Holder's POV. Well... come and see. Mostly AU.

  
A couple of days after Linden had quit he went to the cemetery, waiting for Kallie's Moms to show up. He gave her back her dead daughter's earring and apologized for his unfair behavior the last time he had talked to her.  
  
Danette was wary of him but grateful for the keepsake. "So where's your partner? Sarah is her name, right? Still working together?"  
  
Oh, hell. The sound of her name hurt, even though he almost never called her Sarah. "I gotta go." He fled any further questions and shuffled over to Bullet's grave. Oddly enough her resting place was giving him some sort of comfort, even though tears stung his eyes. So many fucking reasons for crying.  
  
"What's up, little Bee?" He kneeled down, pulled her necklace from his pocket and placed it on the top of the gravestone. He thought about the few good times he and Bullet had shared. He missed her. He wished things had come about different. Then he thought about Sarah all alone out there in that house in the middle of nowhere. He'd been stupid for not driving over there every day to boycott the silent treatment she'd put up.  
  
Yeah. Get on with it. Don't let her suffer through this alone. Full of regret he drove over right away and got his hopes shattered. The house was abandoned. No furniture. No sign she was still living in the place. A purified shell. Damn. You fucked up again. He phoned her at once. She wasn't picking up. He texted her then. Sitting on the steps to her deserted home, waiting for an hour at least, smoking. No reply.  
  
He kicked the wooden stairs, hurting himself and drove back home considering his options. Fuck! He had none whatsoever if she wouldn't reply to his messages. He didn't know where she had gone to and if she would ever come back. Hey! What are you thinking? She won't come back, idiot. She's running away. You know that's her thing, don't you? He kicked the one table that had endured his outbursts a few times already, hurting himself some more. _Fuck. Get it already. It's over._  
  
He dropped on the sofa and lit a cigarette. A few drags and the shit made him feel sick. Not cool. He crushed it into the ashtray. Okay. Get a grip. Cook dinner. Take a chill pill and chew on it before you fire off. Don't let the heartache get to you.  
  
Yeah, well, that was easier said than done. A week later he aimed his agony about Linden leaving him without a word at someone else.  
  
At a family dinner he snapped at Davey for just speaking Spanish. Shortly after he attacked his sister by insulting her for no reason whatsoever. No surprise though. He'd had a lot to drink. Okay. He was drunk as a skunk thanks to a gazillion cans of cheap beer.  
  
His sister though, she wasn't the shy type either. "Did you use?" Liz said out of the blue.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Don't play innocent, Stephen. You've been acting out-of-control all evening. And I'm asking if you're using again."  
  
"No." He grimaced, thinking about last night, and how close he was to just doing what she was implying. Just a bit to numb the pain. "You know what your problem is. You're a downer. You always have been." _Exactly like Linden, huh? I for sure like those downers pushing me. I like them giving me a wipe-down._ "That's why you can't get a date. Nobody wants to be around you."  
  
"Oh, look, who's talking?" Liz countered, sneering. "How's your girlfriend by the way? And where's Linden? Didn't she leave town running as fast as she could just to get away from you?"  
  
"You don't know a thing about that. You don't even know me."  
  
"Does Linden know you? Is that what this is really about, Stephen?"  
  
"I'm out of here." He grabbed his jacket and smashed the door shut. He didn't want to talk about Linden. It hurt too much. He didn't know how to explain his feelings for Linden anyway. He wasn't a talking guy. Sure. He talked a lot. Not about feelings, though. The real ones. Right now he needed to do just that. He needed someone he could talk to. He phoned the only other woman he trusted to never yank his chair for showing weakness.  
  
"Hey, Caroline. Sorry for calling this late."  
  
"What's up, Stephen?" She yawned.  
  
"Nothing much. I insulted my sister, said some bad and unfair things to her. I ruined a family dinner just because I feel like shit and wanted everybody else to feel the same."  
  
"And why is that, Stephen, besides the disaster we're not allowed to talk about."  
  
He snorted. "The disaster is halfway to blame for why Linden left."  
  
"I see. So did she leave you, Stephen, or just the mess she couldn't put up with anymore?"  
  
"I don't know." That she didn't say goodbye hurt more than her leaving. He thought they were BFF's.  
  
"She'll be back."  
  
"You can't know that."  
  
"No, but that's what you have to believe to make it through this, okay?"  
  
"Okay." He swallowed. "Hey. I appreciate you being my friend."  
  
"I'll always be there for you. Just don't relapse, please. I don't think a can handle that."  
  
"No worries." Shit. The longing for a fix was overwhelming. The longing for the easy way to make himself feel better. "I wouldn't do that to you." Sure. A few blissful hours and then hell is feeding on you.  
  
"I hope so. Take care, Stephen. Get some rest." She hung up.  
  
"Yeah." He did the sensible thing and embraced Caroline's advice. Instead of getting the needed rest he was punished though. He dreamed about the rotten bodies in the lake, floating at the surface. Linden was one of them. She opened her eyes calling out his name. He ran to get her out of the poisoned water but couldn't get there before she sank and perished. He woke up screaming.  
  
He didn't sleep much for weeks.  
  


*****

  
He was texting her every day. Silly stuff like 'Hey, what's up?', 'Where are you anyway?' or 'Just talk to me, 1-900'. He just couldn't let go of the small chance that she was reading every message thinking about him just as he was thinking about her. He was surprised he didn't give up hope just yet. Oh yeah. He was a fool.  
  
One evening she shocked and exhilarated him by sending the much desired reply. 'I'm okay. Don't worry, please. I just need time to sort things out.'  
  
"Whatever you say, boss," he chaffed, and warm and fuzzy feelings spread through him. "I'm right here. Not going anywhere." For the first time since the disaster at the lake house he slept through the night.  
  
In the morning he went to see his sister. "Look, I'm sorry. I fucked up, okay? I just felt like the whole world was coming crashing down on me and I was about to explode."  
  
"I got that. Just next time not in front of the kids, okay?"  
  
"Deal." He stepped into her personal space, letting her make the choice. "I'm thinking about quitting my job."  
  
"Oh?" Liz accepted his offer and pulled him into a hug. "Because of Linden?"  
  
"No." He sighed, stocking up on some love and security. "Not just because of her." After all Liz had raised him, being both, mom and dad for him, doing her best even though he failed her eventually.  
  
"Good heavens, Stephen. Why didn't you make a move already? You were never the shy type."  
  
"I can't fuck this up. She's my BFF. I need her."  
  
"I think she feels the same way about you. I remember her being crushed seeing you almost beaten to death."  
  
"Nah. I'm not her type."  
  
"How do you know?"  
  
He shrugged. "I can't tell you that."  
  
"Okay. Fine. Be that way." She let go of him. "So what do you wanna do?"  
  
"I don't know, become a sponsor maybe, to get people the help they need, like I did once."  
  
"That's not the worst idea."  
  
"For real? That's the nicest thing you've said to me in a long time."  
  
"Yeah, maybe because you didn't deserve _nice_ in a long time."  
  
"Ouch!"  
  
"But you're better now. I can see that. I don't care if this is because of Linden or not. I just hope you don't fall back into old habits. Davey wouldn't understand."  
  
"I won't make any promises but I try to make it through this day by day."  
  
"That'll do for now." Casually she thumbed his cheekbone, and then she turned around quickly, walking across the room to finish cleaning the table.  
  
He shuddered. She hadn't done that in ages. All right.  
  
He kept his word. He straightened out his life. He quit his job, which didn't do him any good anymore anyway and started working as a sponsor. He liked the different task much more than he'd hoped for. He didn't do any drugs nor did he drink alcohol. He cleaned up his appearance and was pleased whenever he looked in the mirror.  
  
On weekends he went to the cinema watching the newest movies on a big screen or to the Zoo, sometimes with Davey, sometimes alone to amuse himself. His favorite place for sure was the butterfly garden. He didn't know why he didn't come here earlier. The sight of the colorful and fragile creatures made him feel at peace, even though he shed a few tears watching them dancing in the sunlight.  
  
On and off he talked to Jack, not about his Moms though. He was okay with getting a text message once a month, knowing she was around somewhere sorting through her shit. So was he. The nightmares about her being dead diminished and changed into dreams about emotional reunions.  
  
He relished the images, sounds, and flavors of those dreams. The sensations helped him to pull through and find his way back to a healthy lifestyle as much as a daily routine. A good life even though a bit boring. Yeah, well, he could be worse. He could be dead or in prison. Instead he was helping people and was having a regular life, with movies and family dinners to spend his free time. He even bought a new shelf for his books.  
  
He had just come back from shopping for the newest book about exotic insects, heading to get himself a pizza when his phone buzzed. Casually he looked at it, he was awfully hungry for lots of cheese and tomatoes. Oh snap! He almost dropped the damn thing. A text message from Linden. Not the usual 'I'm fine' shit.  
  
 _Hey, Rockstar. I'm back. Wanna get a coffee?_  
  
 _What? Is this for real? Or is it all just in my head?_ For seconds he couldn't even breathe, staring at the display. When he finally was able to type the reply his fingers were trembling so much it took him ages. _Sure, if you're buying._  
  
She confirmed with an address near the International Fountain and a smiley.  
  
Shit. She was back and she wanted to see him. What now? What kick in the teeth was waiting ahead? Was he ready and fit to be taken for another ride? Was he ready to face her considering he never stopped loving her?  
  


*****

  
The sun was shining and the air tasted light and sweet like cotton candy when he arrived ten minutes early. He was twitchy as if he was suffering from cold turkey. He paced up and down the short stretch in the parkway pondering over what to say after one fucking year. The last time he spoke to her she'd made clear she didn't want his help. He had been a burden she'd dismissed from her life. Maybe that was for the better. Why should everything go differently this time? Where did that spark of hope come from? Jesus. He clenched his fists. Chill. You don't want her to turn tail and run again.  
  
All his doubts were forgotten when she appeared through a line of trees walking over to him. She was radiant, her blue eyes as deep and shiny as the wind-brushed sky above. She'd cut her hair, though, wearing it much shorter. A new look he needed to get used to but not half bad.  
  
"Oh, snap. 1-900-Linden," he called out, smiling like a damn fool. "Dial and you shall receive."  
  
"Hi. Hi, Holder." She smiled too.  
  
"What up, Linden?" His heart soared to his throat.  
  
"I heard you got a new job."  
  
"I see you got a new scarf," he teased her, trying to get a grip on his churning feelings.  
  
"Yeah, Ross Dress for Less, three-for-one rack."  
  
"Oh, snap, Linden got jokes?"  
  
She chuckled, her eyes lit up.  
  
Damn. He was crushed. "You're looking good." That was an understatement. She'd never looked better. The new haircut was a natural fit for her fierce type.  
  
"You too. You look happy."  
  
Sure I am. Now that my girl's back. He shrugged. "Happy, joyous and free, that's me."  
  
She turned silent and there it was. The one awkward moment when everything could be going the wrong way. _Okay. Nice to see you. Take care._ He wouldn't let that happen. He cleared his throat. "When'd you come back?"  
  
"Just a few hours ago. I've been on the road a lot the last months. Um, I was in Chicago for a while. Jack's almost as tall as you now."  
  
"What? Damn," he jested about it. Nope. He hadn't known even though he had phoned or texted Jack on and off. "I should stop calling him Little Man then."  
  
"Maybe you should, though he always liked that."  
  
"He's cool. Always was. I miss him." He shuffled his feet. "So did you find him on your travels in the big wide world, Linden? The bad guy?"  
  
"There is no bad guy," she said. "There's just... I don't know, life."  
  
 _Well, kind of. Perception is circumstantial._ "We tried at least. You gotta give us credit for trying, right?"  
  
"Yeah, we did." She licked her lips, and her eyes turned misty. "Anyway, I just, um... It's good to see you, Holder." She licked her lips again. "I missed you."  
  
"For real?" Oh snap. What now? Is she trying to wreck me for good? Is this the final blow?  
  
"I came back, didn't I? I... I never..." She swallowed. "...had a real house to grow up in. You know, a home. I never belonged anywhere. And all my life, I was looking for that thing... you know. Thinking that it was out there somewhere. That all I had to do was find it."  
  
He just nodded. He didn't want to interrupt her, eager to hear what she had to say. She barely ever talked about her feelings, least of all in so many words. So this was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.  
  
"But I think, maybe... that home was us. It was you and me together in that stupid car." She laughed with tears glittering in the corners of her eyes. "Riding around, smoking cigarettes. I think that was everything." She took a breath and her voice broke. "I'm sorry."  
  
He shook his head. _It's fine. I know you were at a bad place. So was I._  
  
"I should have known that you are one person who always stays. And you are my best friend."  
  
Jesus. He was in danger of crying and fidgeted to keep his overwhelming feelings under wrap. He didn't want to scare her off. He knew how easily scared and ready to run she was. "It's about time you see what's really there... standing right in front of you." Don't you see how much I care for you? How much I love you? Don't you wanna see? Is that it? "It ain't ghosts, Linden. It ain't the dead. It's me missing you, too."  
  
"I've wanted to come back sooner." She sighed, blinking tears from her lashes. "Though I wasn't sure you still want to put up with me."  
  
Oh hey. "It never felt like that to me, okay? Never." He leaned in. "Come here."  
  
"So, we're good?" She put her arms around his neck and pulled him into a hug.  
  
"Sure. Always." He shivered at her touch, feeling like he was floating in a snug cocoon. He craved a kiss but was fine with how things were right now. Friends it is. I can live with that. I can be the man you want me to be. I can love you every way you want me to because I'd never expected someone like you would be coming back to a loser like me anyway.  
  
"Let's go and have that coffee," she murmured, slipping out of his arms.  
  
The sensation of the tips of her fingers tickling the skin of his neck in the moment she moved back was the most sensual touch he'd felt in his life. Fuck. But I sure need all my strength to keep that stupid promise. I need to stay in control and keep my dick in my pants. Whatever it takes. "You do mean in a coffeeshop, with chairs and other people, right, not in the car?"  
  
"I see you still got that mouth." She headed for a shop in the middle of the park.  
  
He wasn't sure if this was a rap or a tease. _I got a lot more than that, babe. Just say the word._ He didn't care though, as long as she was here with him, as long as she was back in his life.  
  


*****

  
No matter how deep and strong his feelings for her were running, he kept his word by coping one day at a time. He was rewarded with the most profound talks they'd ever had whenever they met up. In the past she'd never talked that much in general or had asked about his life. Back then she was too involved in her shit to care. Now their friendship flourished due to simple gabbing on about everything under the sun. Truly everything.  
  
"There is one thing I wanted to ask you all along," she said one day, when they were sitting dry and warm in their favorite coffeehouse, watching the rain gushing the streets. "How did you find me that night? How did you get away from those IA folks?"  
  
"That's some story to tell the kids." He grinned in spite of the serious subject and confessed everything that led to his failure, even the stupid beating up of Reddick.  
  
She didn't judge him, she even laughed about the bomb threat story. "Oh yeah, that stunt sounds like you. I'd have liked to be there and see their faces."  
  
"A sight for the Gods for sure. Sorry I couldn't take a snapshot for memory lane." He was relieved she didn't talk about everything else that had happened that night.  
  
"Was that the reason you quit being a cop?"  
  
"Nah. Not at all. I just couldn't handle the brutality and tragic anymore."  
  
"I'm glad you became a sponsor. I think it helps you to stay clean. I was concerned every day you would fall back into old habits."  
  
"You worried about me?" he quipped, shifting in his seat. "Every day?"  
  
"Sure, you're my BFF, aren't you? I do care about you."  
  
"Oh snap!" He emptied his cup to play down his state of flow.  
  
"I think you taking the job as a sponsor was for the best."  
  
 _You talk just like Liz._ "Well, what can I say? I'm a natural."  
  
"You're such an idiot," she said in the softest voice. She changed the subject then, talking about Jack and her time in Chicago, and a few of the places she'd visited traveling. Salt Lake City. Boring. Denver. Hot as hell. St. Louis. Uninspiring.  
  
 _You were mighty homesick, babe. Just admit it._ He was okay with her taking over, and just listening plus keeping her company. He'd missed her so much he would have been okay with just sitting next to her not talking at all. He just wanted to look at her gorgeous face. He reveled in the mellowed sound of her voice. Yeah. No shit. He was that kind of fool.  
  
She never mentioned Skinner. He was okay with that, too. He knew she needed at least a couple of years to be able to talk about Skinner to him or anybody. He would accept and understand if she decided to never open up about Skinner period. She talked about the victims though.  
  
"I drove to the lake. I even paid a visit to the house. I stood at the shore watching the wind rippling the water."  
  
"That's a gutsy thing to do. How was it then?"  
  
"It was a beautiful sight, peaceful even. The bodies were gone; the evil was gone."  
  
"That's good, isn't it?"  
  
"I hope so. You know I can never forget any of it. Sometimes that frightens me to the core. I'm glad you're here understanding what it's like. Knowing you know the truth makes me feel less alone."  
  
"Ain't that sweet." He cleared his throat. "Well, Linden. I feel just the same about you. I have nobody to come home to at night. Just an empty place with nothing to do but watch documentaries on the Discovery channel."  
  
"What about Caroline?" She didn't look at him but her phone.  
  
"We broke up months ago." She didn't need to know it happened before she was leaving.  
  
"Oh?" She kept fumbling with her phone. "Why?"  
  
He shrugged. "She didn't get me."  
  
"What's there to get?"  
  
"Ouch! Nice to know you didn't turn soft on me."  
  
"Why should I do that?" She looked him straight in the eye, with her face flushed and her fingers busy clutching the phone. "What you need the most is a firm hand."  
  
He blinked. Was that a joke or was she flirting with him? "You think?"  
  
"No doubt." She put her jacket on. "So, you want some company tonight? Watching some wild animals?"  
  
"Sure - I ain't got no other plans."  
  
"Okay. It's a... d-deal."  
  
He winced. _Was she about to say date?_ "Sure. Let's live a little. I'll make dinner."  
  
"Oh no. Some vegan shit." She nudged him.  
  
"Nah. I wouldn't do that to my BFF."  
  
"Okay then, how can I say no to getting a taste of the good stuff."  
  
He swallowed. Holy Shit! Stop that, if you don't want to get more than you'd agreed to.  
  
A bit jumbled he walked to the car, afraid of what might happen at this _meeting_ tonight. What if he fucked it up? What if she wouldn't see him anymore? He dropped his car keys and had to search for them for five minutes at least. He laughed out loud then. Come down. You've been through hell. You sure can handle a dinner date.  
  
Yo, here comes the surprise. The evening turned out a success. Hence watching TV and having dinner turned into a homey routine. He was fine with that though he couldn't stop giving himself a treat whenever she'd left his dojo. Damn. That bullshit promise. _I won't kiss you again. You missed your chance._  
  
Yeah. Idiot. You missed your chance, not her. You jumped the gun too early and at the wrong time. You missed out by miles and now it's done. You're standing forever on the sidelines.  
  


*****

In the next three months he and Linden were doing more stuff together. They went with Davey to the Zoo, were taking walks, going shopping or were going for a run. Given that he was in good shape now he could even keep up with her. Off and on they took in a movie at the cinema after Linden had picked him up at work. Sometimes she arrived early and stayed listening to him teaching the members about the steps of the program. They were less and less partners but good friends. The only problem was that his fantasies about being with her didn't fade but boosted due to spending so much time together. He never crossed a line though.  
  
It was her who disrupted the deceiving harmony on a rainless Wednesday. He was in the middle of cooking dinner. Some vegan shit she didn't mind so much anymore.  
  
"There's that girl at your meetings. The one with the green eyes and the curly brown hair. What's her name? Cloe?" she asked out of the blue, switching through the channels.  
  
"What about her?" He squinted. "Is she relapsing?" He turned the heat on the stove off.  
  
"No, not that I know. I'm just wondering why you don't give her a chance. She's a beauty and she's into you."  
  
"So what?" He shuffled out of the kitchen corner, peering at her sitting huddled on the sofa. A sight that showed her trust in him and he didn't want to ruin that talking about some girl he'd never thought about beyond work. "Are you worried I'll move on to greener pastures and leave my BFF alone in the marshland?"  
  
She shrugged. "Could happen."  
  
"Nah. I'm not looking for anyone right now, least of all Cloe."  
  
"Why not?" She searched for a smoke but the pack was empty. She and he both were down to a pack per week which was good news.  
  
"Just..." He put two plates on the table. "I'm looking for more than simple attraction."  
  
"Really? What's that?"  
  
"Common ground. Sympathy. Trust," he fired at her. _What the fuck? Where was that coming from? What does she want?_ He went back to the stove and fetched the cutlery. He was glad to be able to move around so she wouldn't notice how antsy he was.  
  
"You should have stayed with Caroline then," she shot back. "She was the best you could hope for."  
  
"Oh yeah? Who did you get to show for yourself?" That was a cheap shot. He wanted to take it back the second he'd said it. He wouldn't be surprised if she walked out the door.  
  
"Point taken." She was rummaging through his hoodie, being as twitchy as he. The only thing she got a hold of was the one crumpled pack with the cig he'd kept as his mojo ever since she'd left the small reciprocation with him.  
  
"Don't." He startled. _Shit! Why didn't I put that somewhere else?_ "Not that one." Sometimes he just smelled the damn thing to memorize the times they'd shared a smoke in the midst of disaster. Alone together in that car.  
  
"What?" She froze and stared at the crumpled pack. "What is it? Is this...?" Her eyes widened. She noted how thumbed and smooth the surface of the package was. She had always been too clever. "No way. Are you serious? You kept this garbage?"  
  
Damn! Her face. Priceless. He shrugged. "Come on! You know what I feel for you. You must have known the day I tried to kiss you."  
  
"That a man tries to kiss you doesn't mean he's... um..."  
  
Oh, hey. Look at her fighting for words. "That he's crazy about you? That he can't imagine a life without you? No. It doesn't. But I am. I do. Always was. Always will." Shit. Why did he say that much? Why? You still want her. You want her more than anything else in the world, more than crystal meth even. He exhaled and shuffled his feet. His restless legs needed something to do. Somewhere to go. Out of here.  
  
"You got somewhere to be?" she barked, frowning.  
  
"Just getting cigarettes, okay?" He didn't wait for a reply and got out. If she wanted to leave and never come back again that was her chance. Running away as she always did. Such a fuck-up. The day had been pretty great so far. In fact the last few months had been the best in his life. Right. About time fate fucked it up. Nah. Be honest. Take the blame where it belongs. You fucked it up. That's how it always goes.  
  
He kept to the streets for half an hour unsure what he wanted more to handle at his return - the emptiness that his life was without her or the humiliation of her rejecting him once more.  
  
Oh snap! She was still there, sitting upright on the sofa. She had eaten the dinner he'd cooked and had opened a beer.  
  
"What are you still doing here? I figured you'd be miles away." He chucked the fresh pack of smokes on the table.  
  
She didn't even look at them. "I have no reason to be anywhere but here."  
  
"Yeah? You sure about that, boss?" Oh shit. He got snappy. He was ready to ruin everything.  
  
"As sure as hell. Because I'm done running." She stood up, strolled over and stopped right in front of him. "What about that?"  
  
"Ain't my problem." He was prepared to crash and burn.  
  
"Right. I remember you couldn't wait to get rid of me. How did you put it back then? _I bought you a going away present but I'm saving it for the day you'll actually go away._ "  
  
He gaped at her, drawing one heavy breath. She was right about that, wasn't she? He did say such shit. He just didn't think she'd remember any of it.  
  
"Okay Got it." She turned away heading for the door. "This is the day then."  
  
He grabbed her by the sleeve. "Linden." He held on to her. "Don't go. Don't leave again. I can't... not again..." He swallowed. Jesus! This was fucking embarrassing, worse than at the time he was trying to kiss her.  
  
"Shut up." She put her hands on his face, grooming his beard with her fingertips.  
  
He blinked. "What are you doing?"  
  
"Don't you know?" She pulled his head down. "Is my 1-900 Rock Star not up to speed?"  
  
He was captured by her mesmerizing eyes and the intoxicating scent of her hair. "Don't d-do this... I can't..."  
  
"Scared?"  
  
"Uh... well, this is not our usual thing, is it?" Her coming on hit him like a bolt out of a clear blue sky. What was he supposed to do? What move was the right one?  
  
"Well... time to change that." She leaned in and kissed him on the lips. A lingering promise of sweet intimacy.  
  
He was frozen on the spot, not up to kiss her back.  
  
"Hey, don't worry," she murmured, attached to his lips. "You didn't break your promise. _I_ did." She kissed him again, with much more fierceness.  
  
 _Jeez!_ He tasted such compassion and honesty his defenses crumbled. He kissed her back, slow and deep, enjoying the sensation of her tongue sparking him up. He took the lead then, kissing her without restraint. Her consent set him free to kiss her hard and lively, until they broke apart, both gasping for air.  
  
"That's more like it," she teased, fumbling for his zipper.  
  
"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do this."  
  
"Show me then. Show me who's boss."  
  
"Cheeky." He lifted her up swinging her around.  
  
"I missed this the most, this handling-me thing," she murmured, cheek to cheek.  
  
"Now you tell me." Light-footed he skidded over to the sofa and dropped down with her on top of him.  
  
She straddled him right away, leering. "Mm. Now I have a pretty good idea how long, and it feels promising."  
  
"Don't say stuff like that if you don't mean it." He wanted her body and soul but was afraid of what would happen afterwards. "I can't stand losing you."  
  
"Oh, I mean it. We're gonna be fine, Stephen." She slipped her hands around his neck pulling him close. "Come on. Let's go for a ride."  
  
"Whatever you say, boss." He seized her by the hips and kissed her once again. Teasing the edges of her mouth he tasted smoke and gum as well as the burritos he had made for her. Jesus. He was close to coming already if she kept wriggling her ass like that. He had to slow her down. "I'm sorry... Sarah... but I-I...."  
  
"Stop talking."  
  
Heat charged every vein in his body with blood. _Holy S-_ He bucked his hips, groaning.  
  
"That's it." She chuckled. As easy as she kept him in check she got rid of her sweater and bra.  
  
 _Damn. She's stunning. She's a dream..._ "Linden, come on, not so fast," he murmured, feeling the pressure in his balls responding to her delicate sight and touch. "If you don't... want me to...."  
  
"This mouth of yours." Kissing him again she rubbed her incredible curves over his body. Seconds later she was taking care of his cock.  
  
He huffed, and surrendered to her relentless passion. Licking the creamy skin of her breasts, pinching the sensual nipples, he was ready to give her what she wanted and deserved.  
  
"Easy there. One step at a time." She pushed him along by speeding matters up. His response was impressive. "Someone is more than capable."  
  
He snorted. "No kidding."  
  
"Let's do this fast so that we can do it again." Her fingers danced up and down the length of his cock, squeezing here and there, almost casually.  
  
The simple treat enforced his neediness to the limit. "You're killing me," he gasped, not able to resist her delicate touch any longer. He ached to be inside her.  
  
"Not yet," she whispered, palming his hard-on, teasing the length as much as seducing it to give up its honey. "First I'll give you what you want, huh?" She increased the friction and squeezed harder.  
  
"Minx," he yelped and came as fast as he'd feared but yet as satisfying as in the days before meth had ruined his life. For a few seconds he closed his eyes, wallowing in the overwhelming feelings made even better by being in love.  
  
"Rockstar," she murmured, rubbing his cum over his belly and into his skin.  
  
"Jesus, Linden." He let himself drift gazing at her, amazed that he was still horny. He longed to make her happy. He needed to be inside her. Deep inside. He got hard again.  
  
"I thought so." She smirked, and rose to get rid of her pants and underwear. She was dripping now, more than ready to be taken. "Come on then." She settled down again, taking him in easily, riding him to a second mind-blowing orgasm. He even screamed when she clenched around him calling out his name.  
  


*****

  
In the morning, he woke up first. For minutes he was watching her, the eyelashes casting delicate shadows on her skin, the shiny lips, the softness of her breathing, reminiscing about the night's wonder. He sure couldn't believe what had happened even though the sight of her was proof enough. A much better hint was the sensation of her naked body snuggling against him. The woman he had thought was way out of his league had shared his bed. All those days of misery, searching, arguing and chasing illusions of happiness eclipsed due to this wonder. Sarah Linden. The boss. The leader and partner who threatened to _leave for Sonoma_ uncountable times.  
  
He couldn't remember a day when he had felt this happy. He touched her cheek with the tips of his fingers.  
  
She opened her eyes and stretched, a vision of delight.  
  
He kissed her then, refreshing the pleasures of last night. _Hey you. What's up?_ She returned the kiss avidly, was as ready as he was to take another ride.  
  
"Finally using that mouth of yours for the better cause," she sighed, twining around him.  
  
Never in his life had he felt less offended by an insult. "Oh snap! Linden's making a joke."  
  
"Not at all."  
  
He pulled her closer, embracing her until she made a small sound of complaint. "Easy, tiger. Everything okay?"  
  
He let her breathe again. "Sure. Couldn't be better."  
  
"Good." She glowed like the cat that got the cream. "What then?"  
  
"I thought you would regret what we did and run at the first glimpse of daylight." He buried his face in her neck.  
  
"Why would I? It was surprisingly good."  
  
He smirked. "Told ya."  
  
She pinched his ear in the most endearing way. "Smart ass."  
  
"Smart enough to charm you." He chuckled and pinned her to the bed, getting on top. The burning in his heart and loins was not sated yet.  
  
She gifted him with a fluttering groan as he entered her, a unique sound he'd heard many times last night. In those hours they had been passionate and untamed like a wildfire. Now they made love slow and tender, mending some of their pain with satisfying intimacy. In the aftermath they stayed in bed and chilled having a smoke in the juicy vibe that impregnated the room.  
  
"Oh snap," he murmured, pleased, yet still a bit out of whack. "I'm dreaming. You hated the pure sight of me. You turned me down."  
  
"I had to. That day was the worst of days to do this. But not because I never thought about you."  
  
"For real?"  
  
"Yeah. I already cared more for you than was good for me."  
  
He put his cigarette out and nibbled on her neck. "This - us - is more than good for many reasons."  
  
"You were the one hating me, remember? You couldn't wait for me to fly off to Sonoma."  
  
"Only because I had a crush on you first second on."  
  
She smiled. "You sure hid that well."  
  
"Not well enough to trick my sister... or Caroline." He grimaced. "Sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned her."  
  
"That's the past, Holder. Here, now, is the future."  
  
"Okay. Future then." He turned on his back letting her get on top. "What about you being attracted to me?"  
  
"Mm, let me think about that." She gifted his chest with a few searing kisses. "Who wouldn't want this slice of heaven?"  
  
"Jesus. You joking is too much." He pulled her down caressing her breasts. "You dig me. Admit it." He sucked one of her nipples into his mouth, nipping. "You didn't go to Sonoma because of me." He knew, of course, that was not true, but that didn't matter anymore. Here. Now. That mattered.  
  
"Simple pure judgement, you know," she played along. "That's my thing." She bit her lip and let him have his way.  
  
"Whatever."  
  


*****

  
She and Stephen were in favor on staying in bed until midday, snuggling. Sated, they walked down to the beach then, watching the sun glittering on the waves of the deep blue sea.  
  
 _Amazing how soothing that color is._ Sarah sat down digging her naked feet into the sand breathing in the salty air which smelled like endless summer. She hoped that this scent would linger with them forever.  
  
Stephen was running around like a little boy, chasing after seagulls. They'd come here to find some peace to work at their altered relationship. Stephen was on holiday and she was not ready to take on a new job just yet. For now she only wanted to breathe fresh air and share happiness and pleasure with Stephen. Given that she was feeling warm and safe in his arms she wasn't tempted to leave anytime soon.  
  
Every once in a while she wondered if she hadn't have left Seattle because she wanted to stay close to Jimmy or because she wanted to get to know Stephen better. She couldn't be sure, could she?  
  
If she had stayed for Stephen she hadn't made the worst decision. He had turned out to be a gentle and passionate lover, who was confident in pushing her buttons in surprising ways. He sure was good at kissing, yet willing to keep on honing his skills. She licked her lips, batten on highly pleasant moments, then shook her head about such love-crazy feelings.  
  
He was an addict though and sometimes a pain in the ass. The last man on Earth she had ever considered getting involved with, but he made her feel better about herself than any other man had ever been able to. He made her feel like a good person. That was worth something, wasn't it?  
  
He had been the one who had made the suggestion to get away for a while. She had agreed and they'd come to the perfect place to unwind. The one place she had missed out on due to working a case with the man who was now running through the water making his pants wet and people gape.  
  
 _Starts with an S. Ends with an A._ The home she could have had, but then he had crashed into her life, and nothing went as she had planned. Right. He came into her life and she abandoned her fiancé Rick and the life she thought she'd wanted more than anything. Instead she'd stayed around going through hell with her new partner. Memories of what Stephen had done for her flashed in her mind, some of the memories were a blur, some were as clear as the sky on this bright day.  
  
The first time she'd noticed he was handsome beneath that beard and scruffy clothes was when he let her and Jack stay over at his apartment and made them breakfast. She sure didn't like the thought of being attracted to him; hence she was rude which led to a fight and his severe beating in the woods. Finding him half-dead scared her not only for the guilt of leaving him alone but also because she realized she was in danger of falling for him. In no way for fuck's sake she wanted to fall for a partner again. She suffered enough having lost Jimmy.  
  
Well, that was not the only reason why she kept her distance. Stephen was too cocky for himself back then, kind of careless too, and a slob as well. Why should she want such a guy? He made her smile though, even if she tried not to. Then there was the ridiculous nickname he'd given her, which she loved more than she'd ever admit. Besides those quirks he certainly was good with kids, like her own son, as well as with Adrian and Bullet. Above all there was the way he talked on and on to make her feel better, for not letting her give in at desperate times, which was endearing. That he kept her company in the worst hours of her life and trusted her no matter what won her over too.  
  
Right. He turned out to be trustworthy and loyal and he cared for her even when she kept pushing him away. He often comforted her, and sometimes slept in the same bed, not making a move. The one desperate moment he tried to kiss her didn't count. He wasn't himself that day and she was as unsettled about the awkward situation as he was. After they both had been able to move on he continued cheering her up and touching her in subtle ways.  
  
That she allowed his touch was the most surprising thing amongst all because she hated being touched by people who weren't family or lovers. His touch though never bothered her; his attitude sometimes did, but never his touch. It made her feel mellow, which was weird and kind of scary. And this came off a guy she considered unreal in the beginning. How couldn't she? All this shit about Zen gardens, senseis or books about butterflies. What kind of guy cared about those things anyway? And the stuff he was eating. Come on. How the hell could she take such a man seriously?  
  
Well, all her misgivings ended up in smoke when she left the police and he wasn't her partner anymore. She was shocked about how much she missed him and that she couldn't wipe the slate clean by breaking off any contact. She never told him that, because she also was still hung up on Jimmy and their damn history. She snorted. She had been blinded by a great pretender for sure, the counterpart of Stephen in every way.  
  
Stephen, who stayed with her after everyone else had abandoned her, who first threatened to beat up her short-time boyfriend Cody after she'd broken up with him, and then insinuated, _Sometimes you don't get what you really want_. She guessed right away he was talking about her, but she wasn't free of her feelings for Jimmy. She was already torn though, due to her growing feelings for the tweaker and Jesus-freak sitting next to her. She liked the guy and his blatant tattoo on the base of his neck way too much. Yeah. She was falling for a guy who appeared to be a loser compared to the respectable and mature James Skinner. The worst mistake she'd ever made.  
  
Yep! Her choices in men; a disaster to the core. Jimmy was onto her of course. He never said a thing but she'd noticed anyway. Well, Rick was onto her falling for Stephen right away, and did what was typical for him; he left her. Jimmy was not the type to do that. He attacked and ridiculed Stephen for the kind of guy he was whenever he'd the chance, Jimmy who always dressed and talked properly. The most gruesome move was killing Bullet of course.  
  
The sensations she endured seeing Stephen broken and crying about Bullet made her see the truth. She was getting too attached to him, and she had to pull back. She wasn't the right one to give him comfort. She was at a worse place than him, with destruction and death lingering everywhere around her, and Jimmy pulling at her heartstrings. The bastard who had broken her so profoundly that she thought she'd never be in another relationship for the rest of her life.  
  
Stephen didn't back down though, obviously jealous, which was sure flattering. Yeah, she was that woman, the one who was rejecting a man and still being pleased about his jealousy. Well, he had gotten under her skin and his embarrassment for being caught was the cutest thing ever and a bright spot in her crappy life.  
  
In the year she went away without saying good-bye, she was determined to never come back, but she found out after living through too many lonely days and nights that she didn't want to spend her life without the best friend she'd ever had. So she did come back to be with him, no matter if he was still with Caroline or some other girl. She would take what he had to offer. She couldn't believe he'd waited all this time for her, still wanting her. She couldn't believe she wanted him just as much.  
  
"Boyfriend?" An elderly woman joined her side. She pointed at the tall guy in sweatpants, showing off a tattooed chest, who was busy gathering shells to throw them into the water.  
  
"No. He's my man." Those words that Bullet once said fitted like no other. He was and had always been her man. Companion. Protector. Friend. A man she trusted with her life.  
  
"Big love story, huh?"  
  
She shook her head. "Not in the conventional sense." He's the one though. The person who truly knows me. I've found him after all.  
  
"Are you on your honeymoon?"  
  
"God, no. Just a vacation." She shrugged. "I once wanted to live here."  
  
"Oh? What changed your mind? Did something happen?"  
  
"He happened."  
  
"How romantic." The woman kept staring at Stephen who was now sprinting around at the edge of the sea racing the waves to catch him. "He's unique."  
  
"Well spotted," Sarah deadpanned. No. Nothing about their story could be called romantic in a conventional way. Nothing about Stephen was ordinary. So what? She'd never fitted in a life with picket fences anyway. At no time she had wanted such a life. "What you see is what you get."  
  
Right. _He isn't a great pretender._ He was that guy running up and down the beachline, wearing sweatpants and ridiculous tattoos. _Damn. She loved him in those moments._ He wasn't bothered by what other people thought of him. _Neither have I to pretend around him. With him I can be myself. Well, I am myself._  
  
"It's good though, right? You look happy."  
  
"I am." She smiled. "We are." Because he knows me. That might scare me sometimes but gives me comfort as well.  
  
Stephen was done pitting himself against the forces of nature and started walking towards them.  
  
"Okay. I'll just leave you to him then. Have a good life, both of you." The woman moved on, a skip in her walk, as if the happiness of strangers made her feel good about herself.  
  
"You, too." Oh yeah, we deserve that. She picked a pearly shell up and put it in her pocket.  
  
"Yo, mamacita. What are you thinking?" He pulled her to her feet and hugged her from behind, feathering a few kisses on the base of her neck. Since she had cut her hair that was one of his favorite spots to show her tenderness.  
  
"That this is a beautiful day." She leaned into him, bathing in the warmth of his smooth body. He smelled like the sea, a minty and fresh flavor, reminding her of the fragility of love. "What are you thinking?"  
  
"Beaches. Bright weather. Hate that shit."  
  
She laughed and pinched his arm. "I might maroon you right here."  
  
"So what?" he whispered into her ear, rubbing his hips against her ass. "That's our thing isn't it?"  
  
"Mm." She turned around facing him. The air was charged. Energy crackled when she touched his moist chest. She shuddered, bursting with craving for this man. _Just life, you know._ "I think we should go back to the hotel, lover boy."  
  
"Whatever you say, 1-900." He claimed her mouth in a heated yet loving kiss.  
  
She could feel his desire matching hers as he was grinding into her. _Okay. Let's roll back into bed. Let's fuck and cuddle._ She flushed. Definitely too much sun.  
  
He lifted her up, swinging her around. "You're my ride after all."  
  
"You're such a goofball," she said, giggling. _Yeah, and I like that._  
  
"Sure. That's me, babe." He put her down again, and arm in arm they walked across the sand, a pleasant sight of intimacy and harmony.  
  
The sea in their back was glittering divinely in the sun, its waves rolling softly to the shore, an infinite sound to walk them home.  
  
 _Hey there, baby, we'll be fine  
I'll always want your peace of mind  
I'll always look forward to better days ahead._  
  
THE END


End file.
